PANCAKES.

How could I just let him win the fight last night? He makes the best pancakes for breakfast. So, how could I not? I didn’t want to starve the next day after he left for office just like that. Focus was on the pancakes. Also, what does anyone know. I’ll be the best wife of today’s “man gossip”. Isn’t that what we wives want?

We both knew what we were fighting over was not right. He should’ve let me adopt that dog we saw while coming back home. We would be a family of twelve members by now, us included. I got so mad at him when he yelled at me and questioned if I was looking forward to make a cricket team. Well, guess what! We’re already eleven, GENIUS.

So last night we decided to say I love you instead and made things okay.

This morning, I knew he was guilty. Why would he bring pancakes stuffed with chocolate chips and juice then?

Sometimes I think, it’s not the thought of waking up next to him that I love. It’s when I open my eyes in the morning and he’s not there next to me. Because. He’s obviously making pancake breakfast for me. Then I smile and sleep again until he brings them to me, kisses me and wakes me up.

OKAY. Dear diary, you might as well want to know that I’m not this selfish and rude. I think about him too. Like, how does he even get the patience to live with me. I mean, we’re married and all but. How does he not flip out at times is what I’m thinking. I don’t tell him this enough but he means pancakes to me and I love him. I feel I should make up to him tonight. Like a romantic dinner? Where I’ll cook his favorite food? Light candles? Dance a little maybe? Or, sorry and a hug. Hmm… that should work too. That’s what I should do. Ya. That’s what…..

*TING TONG* *The door bell rings*

“Hey Honey. Open the door, it’s me.”, he says.

Oh! I should better get that before we get into anything tonight. 🙂

“Yes babe, just a sec.”, she says as she signs off.

Lovingly

THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL.

When people ask “What’s up with life?”, the answer almost always is, “Nothing much”. As if it’s some reflex. Just like;

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

Not only with people, but with friends as well. Sometimes some things are not shared even with the people you are close to. Does it mean that you don’t trust them? No. Sharing is a choice. And if you think you know a person really well, that might not be true since everybody has some stories untold. At least one, which they decide to keep to themselves. Wondering why I’m talking about this? Because it’s true. I think we all can relate to this.

I have a story to share here. Fiction? Maybe. Just give it a read.

“The way you make me feel is indescribable. Maybe I don’t know how to explain it to you or I just don’t want to because I’m afraid to lose you. From the night we met, till now, I still get the same feelings when I see you or even your name. Was it because of the situation we were in or was it something else?  It would’ve been great if someone could answer this. All I know is that, there surely was something which trust me, has never happened before.” She writes and deletes it right before pressing send.

(How often does it happen that you meet a person and you just can’t stop thinking about them?)

She then sits back keeping her phone by her side. The phone rings. Who’s name it says? His. It happens everytime when she thinks about him way too much. A text or a call from him comes and she’s the happiest person in that moment. She won’t stop smiling throughout the phone call and even while texting.

Every night she gets this feeling of confessing everything to him. So she writes and deletes it eventually.

The other night she wrote,

“You know what I want right now? I want to go to the most peaceful place there is, with you. Like the first time we met. I just want to go back to that bridge where you took me holding my hand. When you were afraid that I might not like it when I loved it. I just couldn’t say anything. Over the bridge, under the moonlight, it was so calm and romantic when none of us hoped it to be. That was the best thing that happened to me then.”

He’s leaving the town in some time. Will they meet again or no? Even she doesn’t know.

And tonight she writes,

“Can’t believe you’ll be gone in sometime. I hope we remain in touch with each other. You know, life is like a book where the moments we spend are the pages. That’s how I prefer to define life as. And the time I got to spend with you will always count among the favourite pages of my book. This is the page I would want to fold by the edge and hope that whenever I look back to read, it would still be beautiful.”

Little does she know that it’s only making her miserable.

CONTINUED, RECONSIDERED.

 

Following is the same old story published on June 11, 2016 with some amendments. I thank Dermott Hayes for the suggestions. What do you guys think?

 

It’s been a while now. She still curses him for what happened. She loathes him. The chain of sleepless nights, continues. There’s love. But at the same time, a feeling of hatred and anger dwells.

The conversation ends. Their story doesn’t. How can it? She loves him. She can take him back in a minute. She wants to, but she can’t. And that’s what keeps her from moving on. She starts looking everywhere for distraction. And she turns to food. It can be anything. Cigarettes. Alcohol. A kiss or a one night stand with a former lover. A friend. A stranger, maybe. But eating becomes the one thing she can look forward to. And a pillow to cry on.

She feels used. She thinks about how she was an option for someone who means the world to her. She can’t stop picturing them both do the things he used to do to her. Make her laugh. Love her. Hold her. Say things he wants to do with/to/for her. Have long, late night conversations with her. Everything.

She misses him.

She deletes his number and blocks him from everywhere possible. There is no way he can reach her. And then one day, she unblocks him. No reason, she just does. She wants him to talk to her first. As she sees her inbox, there it is. His name. She opens his messages and reads it all. She then realises that there isn’t a day he doesn’t text her (apologise to her) since that day. With the tears rolling down her face, she just wants to hug him in that very moment. With every text, she says “I love you”(just not out loud).

She persists showing her anger through texts and phone calls. He persists explaining everything to her. As stubborn as they both are, none of them give up. Despite of what he has to listen, he does not let his pride come in the way. He knows what he did is wrong. He accepts every word she says and isn’t proud of it. He is sorry. He cries. They both do. And this is new to her. No one ever cried for her this much before. Not even a little. She can sense that everything he said in that one year might be a lie, but the tears aren’t fake. She fails to react to it.

One thing is clear now. He loves her. Just as much as she does. He just wants a chance to explain everything to her. She listens to him this time. He tells her how guilty he is to have things messed up with her. That he wanted to tell her everything sooner. That he was afraid to lose her. That he had to choose between the other girl and her and that he chose her.

He messes up relations just to be with her. He chooses his one year old love over the seven years old friendship.

He tells her that he only loves her and no one else. He wants to end up with her. Be there for her. He wants to do anything and everything he can to make things right again. He wants to prove it to her that she was never an option and that he never used her. If he had to, he wouldn’t want her back so bad when he has a choice to go back to his friend. He tells her everything that seems hard to believe after what he has done. She is hurt and obviously, is dealing with some trust issues. She wants to believe him but she can’t. After much crying and talking and arguing and fighting for a month;

“Take as much time as you want. Just come back.”

“Okay.”

“What?”

“I took my time. I think I can give this a chance.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

” 🙂 ”

He can’t argue with that.

THINGS ARE GOOD AGAIN.

It’s two months since the make up. Things seem to be just as before. Good. Beautiful. She forgives him. He keeps his promise. He proves what he said he would. They consider whatever that happened, a bad phase of their lives and forget about it. Although, some things about the past still bothers her. To which he promises to work on and make her forget about it.

This is just the way she wanted it to be since the beginning. Now, soulmates aren’t a myth anymore.

CONTINUED.

 

 

It’s been a while now. She still curses him for what happened. She loathes him. The chain of sleepless nights, continues. There’s love. But at the same time, a feeling of hatred and anger dwells.

The conversation ended. Their story didn’t. How could it? She loved him. She still does. She would take him back in a minute. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. And that’s what kept her from moving on. She started looking everywhere for distraction. And she turned to food. It could’ve been anything. Cigarettes. Alcohol. A kiss or a one night stand with a former lover. A friend. A stranger, maybe. But eating became the one thing she could look forward to. And a pillow to cry on.

She kept feeling used. She kept thinking how she was an option for someone who meant the world to her. She couldn’t stop picturing them both do the things he used to do to her. Making her laugh. Loving her. Holding her. Saying things he wanted to do with/to/for her. Having long, late night conversations with her. Everything.

She missed him.

She deleted his number and blocked him from everywhere possible. There is no way he could reach her. And then one day, she unblocked him. No reason, she just did. She wanted him to talk to her first. As she saw her inbox, there it was. His name. She opened his messages and read it all. She then realised that there wasn’t a day he didn’t text her (apologise to her) since that day. With the tears rolling down her face, she just wanted to hug him in that very moment. With every text, she said “I love you”(just not out loud).

She continued showing her anger through texts and phone calls. He continued explaining everything to her. As stubborn as they both were, none of them gave up. Despite of what he had to listen, he did not let his pride come in the way. He knew he did wrong. He accepted every word she said and wasn’t proud of it. He was sorry. He cried. They both did. And this was new to her. No one ever cried for her this much before. Not even a little. She could sense that everything he said in that one year might be a lie, but the tears weren’t fake. She couldn’t react to it.

One thing was clear now. He loved her. Just as much as she did. He just wanted a chance to explain everything to her. She listened to him this time. He told her how guilty he was to have things messed up with her. That he wanted to tell her everything sooner. That he was afraid to lose her. That he had to choose between the other girl and her and that he chose her.

He messed up relations just to be with her. He chose his one year old love over the seven years old friendship.

He told her that he only loved her and no one else. He wanted to end up with her. Be there for her. He wanted to do anything and everything he can to make things right again. He wanted to prove it to her that she was never an option and that he never used her. If he had to, he wouldn’t want her back so bad when he had a choice to go back to his friend. He told her everything that seemed hard to believe after what did. She was hurt and obviously, dealt with some trust issues. She wanted to believe him but she couldn’t. After much crying and talking and arguing and fighting for a month;

“Take as much time as you want. Just come back.”

“Okay.”

“What?”

“I took my time. I think I can give this a chance.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

” 🙂 ”

He couldn’t argue with that.

 

THINGS WERE GOOD AGAIN.

It’s been two months since the make up. Things seemed just as before. Good. Beautiful. She forgave him. He kept his promise. He proved what he said he would. They considered whatever that happened, a bad phase of their lives and forgot about it. Although, some things about the past still bothered her. To which he promised to work on and make her forget about it.

This was just the way she wanted it to be since the beginning. Now, soulmates weren’t a myth anymore.

Apology

A YEAR. AND THEN WHAT?

 

“I know my heart will never be the same. But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay” ― Sara Evans

 

 

Alone-girl-beauty-sunset-cute-sadness-beautiful

 

 

 

IT ALL STARTED WITH A ” YOU’RE-A-STRANGER-BUT-I’M-BORED-SO-LET’S-TALK ” TEXT.

A “Hi” would’ve been rejected like any other day. But this wasn’t any ordinary text. It was such that, the conversation started and never ended. Usually a person says “Bye”. This is what must be said to a stranger. But here, no one said bye. They talked. They left the conversation half way. They continued from where they had left, the next time they talked.(Remember! The conversation only paused and never ended.) No one felt bad. No one was angry. No one fought. After a month or two, they exchanged numbers. They started to know each other well. They started to like each other. There was stalking one another’s profile. They never asked or talked about each other’s past. It was enough to know that they were both single. The first time she heard his voice, was when she fell in love with him. Yes. His voice was attractive to her. One day she couldn’t resist to tell him about her feelings. She didn’t think of the circumstances. She wasn’t afraid to lose anything because there was nothing to lose. No long term friendship. Nothing. So, without a second thought. She said;

“I want to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t know if I should. But I will, anyway. I’m just nervous.”

“Just say it already.”

“I love you.”

*Silence*

“Nothing changes if you say you don’t. It won’t be awkw…”

“I love you too.”

There was a rush of emotions. For her, it was blatantly more.

 

THE FIRST MEET AND THE FIRST KISS.

It’s the start of their six months old togetherness. He tells her that they will be meeting soon. She’s insane about it already. She wants to look good for him. She starts to plan what she would be wearing on the day they meet and where they would be meeting and everything.

He calls her the following day and says, “Where are you? I want to meet you.”

With nothing as planned, she dresses up simple. And with the thoughts about her rejection, she goes to meet him. It’s their first meet. Right? But it doesn’t feel like one. It feels so familiar. Like they’ve met before. Like they’ve known each other for years. The date was rather romantic. It wasn’t somewhere fancy but a park instead. They walked. They talked. He stared at her while she blushed. She stared at him when he looked away. And after much talking, they sat on a park bench. This is where their first kiss happened. On a park bench. The thoughts about her rejection was there no more. All that was there, was love.

For the limited days they had, to spend with each other; they started to go on morning walks and meet every time they could. Those were the happiest and beautiful thirty days for her. She couldn’t have asked for more. Although she wished for him to stay, the distance never bothered much. That was the best part of their relationship. They were happy with what they had. They were willing to stay like this forever. Together.

 

THE TIME IT TURNED INTO SOMETHING SERIOUS.

It’s their nine months together. She’s excited. Why? Because tomorrow is the day she will see him. He’s coming home for less than a month this time. But it’s fine. They still love each other. Nothing’s changed.

After much talking and planning, he decides to take her out. Not for a walk. But on a date. They go on a date, to their favourite place to eat.

There were days when they celebrated their love. Made love. It was like never before. It was good. It was romantic. It was serious. It was passionate.

They were happier. And she, was the happiest.

 

THE FIRST FIGHT AFTER A YEAR.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“With the long distance and everything, we’ll be completing a year together in like, an hour. Did you expect us to make it this far?”

“Maybe. But this is exactly what I ever wanted. To fall in love with someone like you. It’s hard for me to believe that you are for real until the next time I get to touch you. To hold you. To look at you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

They wish each other, anniversary over the phone. * Long distance.* (Sigh!)

After some days, they meet again. He’s here for more than just thirty days.

What’s adorable, is the way she feels for him. Just as day one. With each day, her love for him grows. Only more. No less. But as happy as she was to be able to see him everyday, was not how it turned out to be this time. They met, but not like they used to. He wouldn’t meet her for the reasons he gave her. Some genuine, some not. She was fine until one day, she saw a picture of him with his girl-best friend when he said he was busy with some work. The picture never bothered. Just because she didn’t click much, doesn’t mean others wouldn’t. But the lying did. This was the first time that he lied to her. Her instincts said there was something more. She started to notice things. Doubt. For the first time. She even asked him about some things. This was when their first fight happened. But that didn’t change anything for her. She still loved him and decided to not let that create differences between them. He promised her that too.  Before he had to leave, he held her. Told her how sorry he was for everything that happened. He told her to not worry, as there was nothing he had to hide from her. She trusted him. That trust made things good again.

 

SEPARATED.

It hurts to read the word separated. Isn’t it?

Their story took a new turn after the last time he left.

He got caught. He tried to refuse. He tried to explain. But nothing worked. Her instincts. Her doubts. They all seemed to be true. The girl-best friend was actually his girlfriend. When she thought about the first time he lied, wasn’t his first time. He had been lying to her since the beginning. Since a year. He cheated on her. In that moment, three lives were ruined. What could’ve been simple and beautiful, was effectively ruined.

She couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t stop questioning him. She couldn’t do anything about it. She was never hurt like this before. There was a chain of sleepless nights. She despised him in that very moment. She didn’t want to leave. She thought it through. Eventually, she left.

It’s not the same anymore.

A year old conversation finally ended.

 

 

 

To Be Continued…

 

 

 

HE IS FICTITIOUS. BUT HE IS MINE.

 

 

“We’re all a little weird, and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss

 

 

 

WDF_1423350

 

 

It’s 2 in the morning and as I stare into oblivion; I start to think about how I started blogging by publishing two blogs in two days and that was it. No. That wasn’t it. I have so much to write about. And since I am sharing my thoughts, I decided to write about my fictitious boyfriend. Someone I’m in love with, for… well, a long time now. He is “The one”, you know. You probably know him. Everyone, single or committed, must have feelings for someone known, or fictitious in their heart. They may as well, have dreams where they spend time together, talk for hours or just lie down in silence under the open sky, travel together, watch the sunset together, eat together, cook together, cuddle, grow old together, et cetera et cetera.  And for those who are all about “I love myself. I am fun. I don’t need anyone.” You don’t want to read this till the end. Believe me.

 

There are times when we feel vulnerable. No matter how strong we try to appear, we do. There’s no denying this. This happens when we’re in love. Yes. Love makes us vulnerable. Although, falling in love isn’t bad for everyone. For some, real lucky ones, it’s a beautiful feeling that has a beautiful end. While for some, it’s beautiful in the beginning but it hurts eventually and makes the person miserable. For them, love hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul hurt, a body hurt.

 

Sometimes, talking to a best friend isn’t enough. Sometimes, all you want is to be with that one person. Their presence means the world to you. Sometimes, you want them to feel the way you do about them. Sometimes, you want to talk to them about your feelings. Tell them how crazy you are for them and all the crazy stories. Like, how you stalked them, noticed their every move, their  likes and dislikes. How seeing them with someone didn’t hurt you that bad but if they were hurt; you’d have a virtual fight with those who hurt them. Or, how you kept a diary of your dreamy journey with them. Sometimes, when you feel low and nobody understands you, you just want to hug them and talk; knowing that they wouldn’t get you either. Sometimes, you just want to leave everything and skip to the part where you marry them, wake up next to them, live happily with them and the dogs (Okay, this is what I want. :p ), go on vacation with them, forget that mobile phones exist. No, not that. You want to flaunt on social media how happening your life is with them. So, let’s not forget the mobile phones. Let them exist in the pocket inside the pocket of your bag and just live the moment.

 

I may be too young to define love, but I think we all know a little something about love. With the romantic movies we watch, the songs we listen to and the posts we read on instagram, where they don’t mention the name, still a name pops in our head while we read it. That is what it feels like when you’re in love. Plus, I listen to Ed Sheeran. He’s the reason why I love “love”. I mean, we all know that he can write the hell out of a song. And if you don’t know who he is by now, you probably live under a rock. I know, I get a little carried away when it comes to Ed Sheeran and music. But just listen to “Thinking out loud” if you haven’t and you’ll know.

 

Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to keep you grounded. It’s him hugging you, understanding you and forgiving you after how unreasonable you were being because of the mood swings. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday and gifts that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones out of both of you, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s him sleeping next to you and holding you from behind and you, not turning around just holding his hand because you’re sorry too. It isn’t him knowing exactly how to handle you. It’s him worrying about the what ifs because he was busy with work to even say “I love you.”; when he couldn’t stop thinking about you. It’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are. It’s also her, refusing to be self-focused or demanding, but instead looking for ways to support and encourage, even when he is busy or tired. It’s when she wears his sweatshirt to bed. It’s when she wants to play his favourite video game. It’s when she makes him watch chick flicks. It’s both wanting the same things. It’s making each other laugh. It’s both staying at home; watching a movie instead of going to clubs. It’s both going on walks together. It’s both celebrating their love for each other by not knowing how to dance yet holding one another and dancing to a romantic music. It’s both staying faithful to their commitment to treat another with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when the other person seems unwilling to reciprocate. This, what I believe, is love. 🙂

 

Yes, all of this is something I have in mind, that I want to be true. I want all of what I said with someone, someday. I want him to love me and understand me, as much as I do. God! I sound so vulnerable. But, the way he makes me feel just by the thought of him, feels good to me. And I want to fall hopelessly in love with him wherever, whenever. FOREVER.